After some time back in Lund I return to Vargön tomorrow to finish off the summer in best possible way under the circumstances. It has been a nice stay down here to distance myself from the happenings back home, but next week it is time for the burial of my dear grandmother and I need to return.
It feels odd that only three weeks remain of the summer before I travel back down to Lund again, and that is the end of summer and start of the new term. It feels even more odd that this is the last year for me on my education, and I wonder what the future might hold in stock for me.
fredag 31 juli 2009
tisdag 21 juli 2009
Wild chantarelles, tasty
I recently returned home after a few days spent in the family's summer cottage. It was very tempting to stay a few days more but I have other matters to attend, but it felt nice to leave civilization for a while and just relax...letting time pass without a worry. Yesterday we went out also to look for some chantarelles, unfortunately there was not much around but we gathered enough for one sandwich each filled with them. My first wild chantarelles for the summer, yummie.
Grandfathers burial ceremony was this friday, and it was a nice ceremony. It was difficult to participate of course, but it is an important step in the mourning process make your goodbyes. Now he is finally resting, the only worry is his wife, my grandmother who is slowly understanding what has happened. It is difficult for her to be alone from time to time now, as she has seldom been alone before in her life.
But we all need to accept what has happened and move on, nothing we do can bring our dear ones back to life. The worst thing is that it had to be two dear persons at the same time for me and my family. But we take it one day at a time, eventually all will hopefully be back to normal.
Before me, my brother and his girlfriend went to the summer house last saturday we took a trip to "Fallens dagar". An annual event in Trollhättan, close to Vargön, where we walked about town and had fun for a while together.
But now I am back again, and I need to get working again on some of my summer projects, right now I feel for a ride on the exercise bike so that is what I will do now.
Grandfathers burial ceremony was this friday, and it was a nice ceremony. It was difficult to participate of course, but it is an important step in the mourning process make your goodbyes. Now he is finally resting, the only worry is his wife, my grandmother who is slowly understanding what has happened. It is difficult for her to be alone from time to time now, as she has seldom been alone before in her life.
But we all need to accept what has happened and move on, nothing we do can bring our dear ones back to life. The worst thing is that it had to be two dear persons at the same time for me and my family. But we take it one day at a time, eventually all will hopefully be back to normal.
Before me, my brother and his girlfriend went to the summer house last saturday we took a trip to "Fallens dagar". An annual event in Trollhättan, close to Vargön, where we walked about town and had fun for a while together.
But now I am back again, and I need to get working again on some of my summer projects, right now I feel for a ride on the exercise bike so that is what I will do now.
söndag 12 juli 2009
The second time the bell strikes, please don't make it three!
Early this morning my mother woke me up to the most heartbreaking news yet this summer; my grandmother, her mother, finally found her peace only two hours before I was awoken at 7 o' clock. Since this everything has been misery and sorrow. Seeing her yesterday in what became her final day tore my whole heart out, and this really shreaded the last pieces that was left.
Since I saw grandmother yesterday, and even more today, I've had problems eating. I feel no hunger, there's only tears left in me. I try as best as I can to eat to keep my strength for the final tests; the burials, but its hard.
Ever since grandfather passed away I have had very little sleep every night also, the dear old memories of grandfather and grandmother keeps flashing in my mind. It is like my brain tries to sort them out into some special place. May it be dear old memories of how I want to remember them, and forget all the rest of lately, I would hope so for now. The bright days are always happier to remind yourself of than the dark.
After the medical services had prepared grandmother we went over to see her one last time, and send her our best wishes to where she now is resting together with her own parents; dear Britta and Kalle. No pain, sorrow or anxiety for what she knew awaited her can anymore touch her.
I've been crying and sleeping all day long it seems. But the feelings were mixed, both for sorrow and joy. I miss my dear old grandmother and grandfather, but I am so glad that they do not have to suffer anymore. Farewell Christina and Hans, you must know that I love you and I will live each day on without forgetting what you have meant for me, my brothers and your own son or daughter, my own parents. I love you so much, farewell!
Since I saw grandmother yesterday, and even more today, I've had problems eating. I feel no hunger, there's only tears left in me. I try as best as I can to eat to keep my strength for the final tests; the burials, but its hard.
Ever since grandfather passed away I have had very little sleep every night also, the dear old memories of grandfather and grandmother keeps flashing in my mind. It is like my brain tries to sort them out into some special place. May it be dear old memories of how I want to remember them, and forget all the rest of lately, I would hope so for now. The bright days are always happier to remind yourself of than the dark.
After the medical services had prepared grandmother we went over to see her one last time, and send her our best wishes to where she now is resting together with her own parents; dear Britta and Kalle. No pain, sorrow or anxiety for what she knew awaited her can anymore touch her.
I've been crying and sleeping all day long it seems. But the feelings were mixed, both for sorrow and joy. I miss my dear old grandmother and grandfather, but I am so glad that they do not have to suffer anymore. Farewell Christina and Hans, you must know that I love you and I will live each day on without forgetting what you have meant for me, my brothers and your own son or daughter, my own parents. I love you so much, farewell!
lördag 11 juli 2009
Final farewell
Yesterday, me and my family went to say our good-bye to our grandmother. She does not have that long left now, but it was surely one of the worst things I have ever done to see her there in her bed. There is no trace of that jolly, energetic grandmother I remember her as, and I always will make sure to. The morphine she gets for her pain makes causes not only her, but her body to relax and disappear. I was glad that she at least was awake when we came, although she couldn't speak we knew she could hear and see us.
Me and my brothers took some time on our own with grandmother, to let our hearts out for her. It was heartbreaking, but I could still see that spark of energy of my grandmother in her eyes as my eyes began to fill with tears. I love my grandmother, she has always been there in my life, and now she is slowly fading away. But it calms my heart to know that she could hear my words, I told her how much I loved her and could feel her squeesing my hand in a silent response. At that instant I knew she heard me, that squeese was all the response I needed to know.
It is both the cancer and the morphine that causes her body to slowly turn off bit by bit. Morphine is constantly injected to her which causes the cancer to take over the fast as her body relaxes and her defences as well. But even if it gives her less time, will it still let her fall into her final rest peacefully without any pain.
Tomorrow there is a church service for grandfather where his name will be announced amongst the deceased, and on friday the burial ceremony takes place where I together with my father, his brother, grandfather's brothers will carry grandfather's chest to his final rest. I feel proud to do this, it will be tough to do but it will feel great to do this for my dear old grandfather.
Me and my brothers took some time on our own with grandmother, to let our hearts out for her. It was heartbreaking, but I could still see that spark of energy of my grandmother in her eyes as my eyes began to fill with tears. I love my grandmother, she has always been there in my life, and now she is slowly fading away. But it calms my heart to know that she could hear my words, I told her how much I loved her and could feel her squeesing my hand in a silent response. At that instant I knew she heard me, that squeese was all the response I needed to know.
It is both the cancer and the morphine that causes her body to slowly turn off bit by bit. Morphine is constantly injected to her which causes the cancer to take over the fast as her body relaxes and her defences as well. But even if it gives her less time, will it still let her fall into her final rest peacefully without any pain.
Tomorrow there is a church service for grandfather where his name will be announced amongst the deceased, and on friday the burial ceremony takes place where I together with my father, his brother, grandfather's brothers will carry grandfather's chest to his final rest. I feel proud to do this, it will be tough to do but it will feel great to do this for my dear old grandfather.
torsdag 9 juli 2009
Living with a hernia...
Just as I was beginning to accept the loss of my grandfather, on my father's side, everything gets smashed into pieces again. This has certainly been the worst summer, ever! My grandmother, on my mother's side, has been sick with lungcancer for a half year now and ever since then she has been lying in bed for most part of the days. Now the sickness has taken over and according to the doctors she as only a few days left.
Of course I get this news only days after my dad's father died, which doesn't make it any better of course. I've heard now that on sunday we will go for the church service, and next friday the funeral. I will have the honor to help carry the chest to grandfather's last rest, which I am glad for.
On top of this it appears that the medical service here in Vargön have disappeared over the summer. Apparently they couldn't help me examine my hernia until the end of august, so I have to wait all summer to get an examination in Lund instead. And I hate hospitals, and especially to wait for an operation if that's what is gonna be needed now.
Damn life.
Of course I get this news only days after my dad's father died, which doesn't make it any better of course. I've heard now that on sunday we will go for the church service, and next friday the funeral. I will have the honor to help carry the chest to grandfather's last rest, which I am glad for.
On top of this it appears that the medical service here in Vargön have disappeared over the summer. Apparently they couldn't help me examine my hernia until the end of august, so I have to wait all summer to get an examination in Lund instead. And I hate hospitals, and especially to wait for an operation if that's what is gonna be needed now.
Damn life.
söndag 5 juli 2009
I leave a candle lit for you
Last night it happened. This morning my dear old grandfather was found in his bed, seemingly asleep with a calm resting over him. Seeing his condition lately has broken my heart everytime. The transformation from the happy and energetic grandfather I had to a tired man went too fast for me, far too quick.
But now no pain can hurt him anymore, he will be missed by all of us. Farewell grandfather, I love you and I hope you know how missed you will be.
lördag 4 juli 2009
Summer is here
Two and a half week in Vargön, and it feels as painful as several months. My grandparents' health is not improving, especially my father's father whos health and just ran down all the way now. He is unaware of the presence of people around him and constantly keeps twitching as he sleeps, he is in pain still. The only thing we can do is wait and hope that he finds his peace soon so that the pain can't get him any more.
My grandmother on my mother's side is still not well either, but she is awake although most part of her days she spends in bed. Sometimes she can just sleep through most of the days even, but she has started on the rehabilitation and started to get some strength and movement in her legs, but its slow progress so far.
I am glad I chose to spend this summer in Vargön, so that I wouldn't feel restrained by distances to visit my relatives during this time. The fact that I don't work for the first summer in many years also has given me the time to work on some of my own projects which are long due to be initiated, more details as they are completed so that I don't have to feel ashamed that I don't finish them.
My grandmother on my mother's side is still not well either, but she is awake although most part of her days she spends in bed. Sometimes she can just sleep through most of the days even, but she has started on the rehabilitation and started to get some strength and movement in her legs, but its slow progress so far.
I am glad I chose to spend this summer in Vargön, so that I wouldn't feel restrained by distances to visit my relatives during this time. The fact that I don't work for the first summer in many years also has given me the time to work on some of my own projects which are long due to be initiated, more details as they are completed so that I don't have to feel ashamed that I don't finish them.
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